Boredom

You've heard those words, "I'm bored!" You have said them yourself. I've said them myself. Now I don't know about you, but there is no reason on earth for me to be bored. I am a mom, so my work is never done. I am also a student, so there is virtually always something to read or something to write. (I have a 12-15 page paper to write right now, and school doesn't even start until September...) And because that isn't enough, I also have a job, so there is probably an event to plan or a volunteer to support or a lesson to review. So how can I be bored?

When I am bored, it signifies one of two things. I'm avoiding doing something that "needs" doing or I am struggling with solitude. The first thing has been covered in other blog entries and will be covered in future blog entries because it is closely related to my worst habit that I am willing to publish on the World Wide Web - procrastination. No need to cover it here. So that leaves the second reason I am bored, my ongoing struggle with solitude.

According to Dr. Seuss, "Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot." This assurance does nothing to help me gain understanding that solitude does not have to be lonely. Time alone could be used to get to know myself and my Creator, something I have neglected over the past several decades. As I'm beginning to do this, I find that God and I are both good company. As I have found those quiet places in my life, those "boring" places, I have begun to develop a bit more faith and a fragile self-respect. I know that this will carry me far as I walk, skip, and sometimes stumble along this twisting path.

For Those of Us Who Believe in That Kind of Thing

This morning we read in church, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). Faith is a topic about which I have experienced some doubt recently. Okay, honestly, a lot of doubt. Mountains of doubt. In fact, I spent some time in my pastor's office just this week with my head in my hands, unwilling to look him in the eyes, asking, "What if there is no God? What if I am working my tail off (actually I think I used an earthier term) to serve someone or something who doesn't exist?" By odd coincidence or the work of the Holy Spirit, for those of us who believe in that kind of thing, or the work of whatever committee devised the Revised Common Lectionary, faith was present in all of this week's readings, the worship service, and the sermon. Which means that faith was probably already on the pastor's mind when I expressed my doubts. Which explains why his response then and the worship service today are meaningful to me.

So does this mean my questions are answered? My doubts vanquished? Pardon the loud guffaws. Doubt and questioning seem to be indelibly inscribed in my character. If you wish to say a prayer, for those of us who believe in that kind of thing, for my doubting, questioning ways, feel free. Perhaps say one for my pastor too, that he may persevere in the torrent of my continuing doubts. And maybe one for my theology professor in the fall too, who may perhaps relieve my pastor of some of these questions.

I value the presence of people in my life whose faith seems unshakable. At the same time I thank God, for those of us who believe in that kind of thing, that I belong to a church that allows, even embraces, questions and doubts and differing beliefs. And, if you are reading this, thanks, Pastor Kevin, for having faith in me when I lack faith and questioning my questions and challenging me to grow.